A TOUCH OF SADNESS UNEXPLAINED

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT…

...Memorial Day, 4^th of July and Labor Day that have always caused a touch of sadness within me. It hasn’t mattered if I’ve had big plans, small plans or no plans. I’ve experienced this same phenomenon when I lived in New Jersey, Virginia, New York, Florida or been anyplace else when one of those days hit. Being with family, friends, strangers or alone has made no difference either. I’m still hit with a touch of sadness, regret and ennui.

Now, just to be perfectly clear about these feelings vis-à-vis holidays, I am perfectly fine on all of the other ones, well, with the exception of a bit of down at Easter. That’s just a touch though. In fact, for all of the other big days of the year, I am rather enthusiastic and rather eagerly participatory. Not so with these three, though.

I can remember picnics at our house when I was a kid. I guess they were some fun, but they always seemed more trouble than they were worth. Sometimes we went to Bubbling Springs Lake or down the shore or to someone else’s backyard. I guess they were fun then. I don’t remember the sadness back then, but that may just be a memory glitch. Maybe not. Maybe there wasn’t any sadness. I don’t remember having been allowed to be sad when I was a kid anyway.  

For most of my life Memorial Day, at least, should have been a happy occasion. It signaled that school would soon be ending. It wasn’t though. I could understand the 4^th of July’s being a bit of a bummer because that signaled that summer was half over and lesson plans, tests, record keeping, difficult students and parents and administrators would all be coming back into my life in another month. Naturally, Labor Day should be the worst, but it wasn’t anywhere as down as the other two.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the onset of heat of summer. Maybe. I remember planning my being drafted into the army in February so that I wouldn’t have to go through basic training in the heat of summer after school ended. So, here I am in Florida, enjoying the heat even in summer. No, the heat isn’t it.

Maybe it is just my attitude generally about holidays. I tend to prefer intimate and somewhat reflective atmosphere for them, all of them. There really isn’t anything more intimate than a family and/or friends get together. Yet, even when I was in my salad days with wild friends at Riis Park, stoned, buzzed from booze and naked in the ocean there was still a sadness. No. It isn’t my general attitude about holidays.

I like the fact that at those three times of the year it is especially quiet because everyone has gone to the beach or the lake or the mountains or to someone’s backyard. No, I’m not sad when it is quiet at other times of the year. I actually like the quiet and solitude. It is one side of my Pisces nature. No. the quiet can’t be it.

Well, I can’t figure it out. I can’t put my finger on the clue or the key. So, I guess that all I can do is to enjoy the quiet and solitude or plan an event for some or many friends. I can take the time to do things like this and explore or do whatever the moment affords and catches my interest and enjoy it all, even the sadness.

Happy Memorial Day…4^th of July…Labor Day.

Huh!

FAULTS AND TALENTS DESERVE EQUAL TIME AND ATTENTION

FAULTS AND TALENTS DESERVE EQUAL TIME AND ATTENTION

If recognizing ones flaws and accepting them is a virtue, then, so, is recognizing and accepting ones talents. Unless we do the former, we can never avoid repeating the same mistakes or stagnating and not growing. Unless we do the latter, we can never use our talents and fits for the benefits and growth of others. The corollary to that, our own benefit and growth, will never be fully realized.

Oh, we will receive gratification, temporary pleasures, perhaps even notoriety or fame and financial reward if we keep our “gifts” for ourselves alone. We will not, however, achieve the full value that those gifts would and could bring us if we shared them unconditionally, selflessly. At least that is what I read and am told from many different sources.

What we receive when we share is worth exploring. Perhaps this is related to the idea of emptying a vessel in order to make room for new or fresh or better to be poured into it. If that is so, then  the process begs the questions, “Who does the refilling?...From where does that with which we are enriched or replenished come?”

One might answer, “God and His Graces or Nature or the Universe.” Another might answer, “Bullshit! It’s all bullshit of the highest order and nothing more than mental masturbation.” It would appear then that it, they, the answers, the beliefs, the processes which we choose, all boil down to “FAITH,” that which we believe. There is no proof, save anecdotal evidence. There is no X + Z = Y or E = MC2, or however that is written and typeset or…

Maybe there is proof. We plant a seed and a tree or other kind of plant grows from it. We do something and we get an effect. That seems to be proven scientifically in all areas of life. Cause produces and effect and effects are caused by actions of some kind. The manner in which we do something, the attitude with which we approach and execute it, the intent, all dictate the quality of the result and how close it is to that for which we had hoped.

It seems that the ides of sharing with others benefiting the self is more than just a faith-based idea. Since cause and effect is a real phenomenon, applicable to all areas of life. Well, then it seems logical to posit that we get in return, proportion and manner to what we do,  why we do it and how we do whatever "it" happens to be.

I am sure that there are gaps in that thinking that others can and will point out. I’m grateful to them if they do. It saves me the trouble of thinking, writing and editing more. I certainly hope that this blog entry causes some good effects, and, if it doesn’t, then, I guess that I only have myself to blame. That, however, brings us to the proposition of our accepting responsibility for what we do or don’t do. That, equally however, is another entry at another time and perhaps another place.

"ARE YOU LISTENING OR WAITING TO SPEAK?

“ARE YOU LISTENING OR WAITING TO SPEAK?”

On a subway trip the other early AM, my eyes settled on the back cover of a magazine being read by a woman in front of whom I was standing. The capitalized, bold-faced, four line message printed there blared me out of my reverie over the previous day’s eye surgery and that morning’s poking and prodding and examining that brought me back into pain. Such a simple, direct, logical question implied such a profound intention and truth.

At first, my mind raced to friends who always seem to be just waiting for me to take a breath so they could jump in with their words and befuddle mine. One in particular seems completely incapable of not performing those “active listening” intrusions. That person’s  constant need to let me know that “they’re” paying attention drives “them” to forcing me to actually stop and let them let me know that they are paying attention. I often question to what that person is paying attention besides “their” own mind, “their” own need to be “with it,” “their” own need to garner attention, just “their” own need.

Then, my mind went to where it should have been, on my own need to be waiting just to speak my own “truths…insights…wisdoms…platitudes…inanities… intrusions.” After all, what I have to say is so wonderful and important that I just need to express them immediately.  So, there I stood before the message, bleary eyes transfixed as best as they could focus on those seven words arranged in such profundity. My mind bounced between other conversation intruders and myself and all of us who have decided that we are so worth hearing before, over and instead of those to whom we are supposedly listening. We have taken “active listening” techniques to heights that the originators of the theory and the practice might be turning over in their graves over.

So, where does all of this leave and lead us. Well, perhaps we should begin to practice “real listening.” If the speaker isn’t sure that we are paying attention because we are not “hmmming” or “yessing” or interjecting or ejaculating our own seminal importances, affirmations, ideas, contradictions and everything else that really is so disruptive to good listening, they can always ask if they are expressing themselves clearly. Then the listener can feel free to use a really effective “active listening” technique and rephrase what the speaker has said.

Controlling our need to “jump in” seems particularly difficult when we are using the phone. We don’t have any of those other signs that the listener hasn’t fallen asleep out of boredom or just left us. We can’t see the listener’s facial or other physical expressions to let us know if they agree or disagree, understand or not, or are even really interested. That’s a definite problem worth working on.

What another friend of mine and I have inadvertently come up with, completely unrelated to the incentive that motivated me to prepare this blog entry, is a very simple solution. If the other person hasn’t said anything for awhile, the speaker asks, “Are you still there?” Then, the other responds, “Yes. I’m just listening.” How comforting that is. How appropriate and un-offensive it is when you take into account how often we are using cell phones and how often even the one with the “most bars” kills our conversations by dropping the call.

Since that eventful ride, I have tried to become more aware of keeping my mouth shut while someone at the other end of the conversation is explaining themselves. I don’t always succeed, so, if I can, I often just stuff my mouth with something yummie. That seems to take my focus off the need to be an active listener and put it on listening so I can enjoy my nosh. If I choose the right tidbit, my friends will have my undivided attention, will be able to say what they have to say sans my “wisdom…display of knowledge…with its…etc,” and I probably won’t put on an ounce. If I can’t “tidbit it,” I try just to keep my mouth shut. I don’t always succeed, but it is worth the effort.

ARE YOU LISTENING OR WAITING TO SPEAK?

Cause and Effect Denied.

The validity of the theory of "Cause and Effect" has certainly been adequately proven scientifically. Also, in our everyday lives we are confronted with its truth time and time again, very personally. Eat too much or the wrong things, we get fat. Drink too much, we get drunk and have hangovers. Work hard and well, we get feelings of fulfillment. Lift weight the wrong way and we get an injury. The list can go on and on.

So, I am stricken dumbfounded lately by the anti-politician E-mails that I have been getting. Let me be more explicit, by the anti-politician E-mails I have been getting lately from those whom I know were devout pro- these same politicians. If they didn't vote them or those like them into office the last two elections, "I'll eat my hat!" The E'ers were too anti-Obama and definitely too anti any of the ideas and programs that he espouses and supports not to have voted for those opposing him.

I think that it is safe to assume that they voted for those very same politicians whom they now vilify and fear. Maybe I should have said "fear and by whom they feel betrayed." These E-mail forwarders are or were labor union workers for the most part. Most of them are now retired. Many of them were public employees. They have a right to feel threatened by those whom they elected.

The E'ers are upset because those for whom they voted are now trying to "screw" them. Those rabidly anti-Obama, anti-Black, anti-N(^$_&! voters helped elect these people into office. Now, those same elected officials want to take away their right to collective bargaining, bust their unions, continue to stop paying into public employee pensions and call seniors, whom many of these voters are, the "greediest bunch of people..."

I can't imagine what other effect those voters could have expected to happen from the cause know as "their vote," the election of the non-Obamas, the non-N(Y#*@)s. Effects are produced by causes.  Elect a certain type of politician who adheres to a certain philosophy, and the effect will be what we are seeing now in our governments and what these E'ers who voted for them are complaining about.

Enough voters used party loyalty, biased reasoning and in some cases real ignorance to vote those politicians or their ilk into office. These voters turned the election into a game between two teams, "us" and "them...All that's important is our winning." The results are now what they are.

We do whatever to ourselves. We cause our own effects, our own futures our own worries and failures in many, many ways. I certainly have and continue to do so.  Damn it!

I wonder where those disappointed voters stand on that other very sound scientific theory, "Evolution"?

Hamlet Was Right...

Maybe it is time "to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them..." Oh, I'm talking about suicide here. I'm talking about killing the dragon in the United States of America that begins with each and every one of us, the fire-breathing dragon know as "PREJUDICE." Call it "elitism." Call it "racial profiling." Call it "uncovering truth about birth." Call it "patriotic zeal." Call it whatever you want, but what's going on in America today is PREJUDICE, BIGOTRY, HATRED, MEANNESS, VILENESS. It is all "PREJUDICE." 

I don't believe that we ever overcome the biases that were infused in us from our earliest exposures to them in our lives. I believe that we are all brought up with some in some way. That's the point from which I am proceeding.

On the other hand WE CAN AND DO OFTENTIMES OVERCOME OUR REACTIONS TO OUR OWN EMOTIONS. We can and do move into the revelation that what we were taught by family, neighborhood, community, geographical location on the planet may be worth ignoring. That the emotional reaction to skin color or sexuality or social status is just an emotional reaction.  That is the secret to ridding America of the PREJUDICE that is killing us. Rid ourselves of our reaction to that which we were taught that was WRONG.

That insanity to which I am referring is the mentality that says, "Make Obama A One Term President." To that end, those who have no real rational basis for their thinking are actively engaged in the process of opposing him on every issue. It makes no difference if he is right or wrong. It makes no difference if he compromises. It doesn't even make any difference if he completely acquiesces. He is always wrong to them, and they always oppose him on every issue.

Let me give you an example. Someone quite close to me is and has been on the balls of his ass for years. He  got himself on Social Security Disability years before he ever could have even thought of retiring. His rent is contributed to by HUD. I'm sure that he gets food stamps and whatever else the government is willing to hand out.

He hates Obama and is in total favor of all of the cuts that are being proposed by the anti-Obamaists. He sees no need for adequate medical care for everyone regardless of whether they have money or not, even though without that aid he'd be desperately ill. The jobs that the illegal aliens take he would never even consider consider doing. Yet, he is totally against them because they take jobs away from Americans, cost the government money for services that they have no right to, just as he does. He disregards that for years the Social Security that they paid and never collected back helped support Social Security so that the government could unwarrantedly borrow from it for programs it was never designed to support.

This person is gay, and he still is against Obama and for the Religious Right. He never even thought of serving in the military, and he is in favor of Iraq and a hard line in Libya, and supporting the Egyptians and all of the others fighting for their freedom with guns and ammunition and help of all kinds that our taxes would pay for. He sounds like that Fascist Pig who stole the White House, Bush. At the same time he talks about the need to cut spending and cries that he needs more of what the government gives him - free aid.

Another example is... NO!

I can give you more and more examples, but why bother. They would all go toward my same point. Those who are talking about making Obama a "one term President" have no real intellectually, morally or ethically sound interest in this country. They want the N%*_$+ OUT. I've heard the word used that way.

Oh, they say they don't care about the color of his skin. If that were true, they would be supporting him on issues where he is right and when he tries to ameliorate, not incite, conflict. They would not be spouting, "Make Obama A One Term President." They would be cheering on the person they thought was better than he. They have no one; therefore, they just sloganize, vilify and denounce.

So, it is time to take the knife to self and cut out the way we behave in reference to our internalized bigotry. Accept that we have our prejudices. Recognize what they are. Decide to look at our reactions in the cold light of honesty. Resolve to change and then stop ourselves from behaving in the demeaning, illogical, irrational manner on which unexamined bias flourishes and grows like a cancer.

Those of us who feel differently than these bigots need to stand up and speak out. Call a bigot a bigot. Ask the difficult questions, "Where are we going to get the money to pay for YOU when the cuts that Obama's opposition propose will amount to a little more than 3% of the deficit and big business and the rich don't want to pay their fair share? Will you go out and mow the lawn for the money that the illegal aliens get for that blistering work? Will you go back to work and help pay into Social Security so that it doesn't go under? Will you go patrol the border to stop illegal aliens as a means of earning your free check each month? On what basis can anyone support tax exemptions for the rich and big business when it is the middle class that has been supporting society for generations.  Why should I support your union when you voted into office the guys who are trying to do away with it? And on...And on...And on..

Change Is The Only Real Atonement.

Atonement, at least the the way I see it from my own personal experience, has a couple of definite, identifiable qualities. First, there is an obviously sincere regret for  actions, thoughts or words. Another is that the atoner has a clear and realistic understanding of the situation from the offended's point of view. In other words, they have an empathetic understanding of the offense. A third and perhaps the most important quality is the actual changing of the offensive/offending behavior, thoughts or words. Change indicates that someone has ingested and digested the essence of their error, and that their remorse has produced quantifiable results. That to my mind is the definition of "Atonement."  

 If a person is truly sorry for the pain or burden that they inflicted upon another or even themselves, they'll not want to do it again. Hence, they will commit to not doing it again. That commitment is an act of will, and that is the most important quality we, as humans, can exercise. We choose, exercise our free will, to change. There is no more important indicator of sincerity and commitment than that.

Yes. There are those who want to change and try to change but can't really do it. That's another issue.  I'm proceeding here from the belief that most of us are capable of exerting that act of will successfully. We are capable of consciously changing our behavior. If we do that, then we and everyone else knows the depth of the sincerity of the remorse. That sincerity expressed in the action of change is atonement to me, and that, to my mind, makes it an idea worth repeating.

Just a thought, an idea, that I wanted to explore. 

"What If....?"

An ex-student of mine, Kurt Montayne, posted the title I'm using here on his Facebook wall. The first to immediately hit me was "What If...'The world lived in peace.'" Naturally, I had to post it as a comment under Kurt's instigation.

Then, I got to thinking about what if we each lived in our own peace. That is where world peace really has to start anyway. It needs to begin with each and everyone of us individually. Then, we'd have something to pass on to others in our little worlds, and it could and would grow from there.

Well, how in the hell do we get ourselves to live in our own peace? What about all that we've done that can't be undone that brought us to where we are today? What about what we are doing now that is going to affect the quality, the peace, of our futures. What about what others have done, are doing and will do to us?

Damn! So may questions! So many variables! So many "What Ifs." Damn!

Well, maybe it is time for us to stop regretting, worrying about and planning for the "What Ifs." Maybe it is time to just accept certain ideas as truths. Perhaps, life is easier than we think and less difficult than we make it.

We are born. We will die. We will go through difficult times. We will make errors. We will do good, and we will do bad. We will experience joys and sorrows, ups and downs, hope and hopelessness, success and failure.

If we ask ourselves how we want to live this very moment, is there anyone of us who would not say, "The best way that I possible can. I want to be happy." If there is, and you're reading this, maybe you should force yourself to read on.

For those of us who would agree that the best, happiness, is our desire, then we can't rationally doubt that the decisions that we make at any given point in time are the best that we can muster up. What we are doing now and what we think are both products of that same desire, to live the best life that we can, given the circumstances of the moment.

We'll see these decisions differently when we look back on them from some point in the future. That's because we will be different people. Hopefully, we will have grown from who and what we are now. We will, therefore, choose to do things differently given a similar set of circumstances, given similar options.

Actually, doing things differently in the future, in similar situations, is the only real way to expiate guilt or regret, if they are, in truth, different.  You see, in order for real change to take place, a person, we, need to go through some catharsis, a modification of self on a deep level of being. That is usually a painful process. That pain is a cleansing. Regardless of what society and the law want to add to it, it is a purification that no jail or cell or prison fine can come close to duplicating.

(Ironically, that is, to my mind, the reason to explore literature in our classrooms. Structure, devices, language all pale in reason when compared to catharsis. If I remember correctly, that's how I approached literature in my classrooms. At least that's what I hope I did. That's another blog subject, however. )

It is when we don't change our behavior that we really deserve punishment from a source outside of ourselves.  Was it Plato who said that "the unexamined life was not worth living"? Maybe it was Proverbs. Regardless, it is that examination that provokes change. It is that change that promotes healing. It is healing that begats peace. For Peace is the product of Healing.

I wish us all Healing that we may live in our own Peace.

Thank you Kurt for your posting. It was "pregnant with meaning."