"ARE YOU LISTENING OR WAITING TO SPEAK?

“ARE YOU LISTENING OR WAITING TO SPEAK?”

On a subway trip the other early AM, my eyes settled on the back cover of a magazine being read by a woman in front of whom I was standing. The capitalized, bold-faced, four line message printed there blared me out of my reverie over the previous day’s eye surgery and that morning’s poking and prodding and examining that brought me back into pain. Such a simple, direct, logical question implied such a profound intention and truth.

At first, my mind raced to friends who always seem to be just waiting for me to take a breath so they could jump in with their words and befuddle mine. One in particular seems completely incapable of not performing those “active listening” intrusions. That person’s  constant need to let me know that “they’re” paying attention drives “them” to forcing me to actually stop and let them let me know that they are paying attention. I often question to what that person is paying attention besides “their” own mind, “their” own need to be “with it,” “their” own need to garner attention, just “their” own need.

Then, my mind went to where it should have been, on my own need to be waiting just to speak my own “truths…insights…wisdoms…platitudes…inanities… intrusions.” After all, what I have to say is so wonderful and important that I just need to express them immediately.  So, there I stood before the message, bleary eyes transfixed as best as they could focus on those seven words arranged in such profundity. My mind bounced between other conversation intruders and myself and all of us who have decided that we are so worth hearing before, over and instead of those to whom we are supposedly listening. We have taken “active listening” techniques to heights that the originators of the theory and the practice might be turning over in their graves over.

So, where does all of this leave and lead us. Well, perhaps we should begin to practice “real listening.” If the speaker isn’t sure that we are paying attention because we are not “hmmming” or “yessing” or interjecting or ejaculating our own seminal importances, affirmations, ideas, contradictions and everything else that really is so disruptive to good listening, they can always ask if they are expressing themselves clearly. Then the listener can feel free to use a really effective “active listening” technique and rephrase what the speaker has said.

Controlling our need to “jump in” seems particularly difficult when we are using the phone. We don’t have any of those other signs that the listener hasn’t fallen asleep out of boredom or just left us. We can’t see the listener’s facial or other physical expressions to let us know if they agree or disagree, understand or not, or are even really interested. That’s a definite problem worth working on.

What another friend of mine and I have inadvertently come up with, completely unrelated to the incentive that motivated me to prepare this blog entry, is a very simple solution. If the other person hasn’t said anything for awhile, the speaker asks, “Are you still there?” Then, the other responds, “Yes. I’m just listening.” How comforting that is. How appropriate and un-offensive it is when you take into account how often we are using cell phones and how often even the one with the “most bars” kills our conversations by dropping the call.

Since that eventful ride, I have tried to become more aware of keeping my mouth shut while someone at the other end of the conversation is explaining themselves. I don’t always succeed, so, if I can, I often just stuff my mouth with something yummie. That seems to take my focus off the need to be an active listener and put it on listening so I can enjoy my nosh. If I choose the right tidbit, my friends will have my undivided attention, will be able to say what they have to say sans my “wisdom…display of knowledge…with its…etc,” and I probably won’t put on an ounce. If I can’t “tidbit it,” I try just to keep my mouth shut. I don’t always succeed, but it is worth the effort.

ARE YOU LISTENING OR WAITING TO SPEAK?

Cause and Effect Denied.

The validity of the theory of "Cause and Effect" has certainly been adequately proven scientifically. Also, in our everyday lives we are confronted with its truth time and time again, very personally. Eat too much or the wrong things, we get fat. Drink too much, we get drunk and have hangovers. Work hard and well, we get feelings of fulfillment. Lift weight the wrong way and we get an injury. The list can go on and on.

So, I am stricken dumbfounded lately by the anti-politician E-mails that I have been getting. Let me be more explicit, by the anti-politician E-mails I have been getting lately from those whom I know were devout pro- these same politicians. If they didn't vote them or those like them into office the last two elections, "I'll eat my hat!" The E'ers were too anti-Obama and definitely too anti any of the ideas and programs that he espouses and supports not to have voted for those opposing him.

I think that it is safe to assume that they voted for those very same politicians whom they now vilify and fear. Maybe I should have said "fear and by whom they feel betrayed." These E-mail forwarders are or were labor union workers for the most part. Most of them are now retired. Many of them were public employees. They have a right to feel threatened by those whom they elected.

The E'ers are upset because those for whom they voted are now trying to "screw" them. Those rabidly anti-Obama, anti-Black, anti-N(^$_&! voters helped elect these people into office. Now, those same elected officials want to take away their right to collective bargaining, bust their unions, continue to stop paying into public employee pensions and call seniors, whom many of these voters are, the "greediest bunch of people..."

I can't imagine what other effect those voters could have expected to happen from the cause know as "their vote," the election of the non-Obamas, the non-N(Y#*@)s. Effects are produced by causes.  Elect a certain type of politician who adheres to a certain philosophy, and the effect will be what we are seeing now in our governments and what these E'ers who voted for them are complaining about.

Enough voters used party loyalty, biased reasoning and in some cases real ignorance to vote those politicians or their ilk into office. These voters turned the election into a game between two teams, "us" and "them...All that's important is our winning." The results are now what they are.

We do whatever to ourselves. We cause our own effects, our own futures our own worries and failures in many, many ways. I certainly have and continue to do so.  Damn it!

I wonder where those disappointed voters stand on that other very sound scientific theory, "Evolution"?

Hamlet Was Right...

Maybe it is time "to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them..." Oh, I'm talking about suicide here. I'm talking about killing the dragon in the United States of America that begins with each and every one of us, the fire-breathing dragon know as "PREJUDICE." Call it "elitism." Call it "racial profiling." Call it "uncovering truth about birth." Call it "patriotic zeal." Call it whatever you want, but what's going on in America today is PREJUDICE, BIGOTRY, HATRED, MEANNESS, VILENESS. It is all "PREJUDICE." 

I don't believe that we ever overcome the biases that were infused in us from our earliest exposures to them in our lives. I believe that we are all brought up with some in some way. That's the point from which I am proceeding.

On the other hand WE CAN AND DO OFTENTIMES OVERCOME OUR REACTIONS TO OUR OWN EMOTIONS. We can and do move into the revelation that what we were taught by family, neighborhood, community, geographical location on the planet may be worth ignoring. That the emotional reaction to skin color or sexuality or social status is just an emotional reaction.  That is the secret to ridding America of the PREJUDICE that is killing us. Rid ourselves of our reaction to that which we were taught that was WRONG.

That insanity to which I am referring is the mentality that says, "Make Obama A One Term President." To that end, those who have no real rational basis for their thinking are actively engaged in the process of opposing him on every issue. It makes no difference if he is right or wrong. It makes no difference if he compromises. It doesn't even make any difference if he completely acquiesces. He is always wrong to them, and they always oppose him on every issue.

Let me give you an example. Someone quite close to me is and has been on the balls of his ass for years. He  got himself on Social Security Disability years before he ever could have even thought of retiring. His rent is contributed to by HUD. I'm sure that he gets food stamps and whatever else the government is willing to hand out.

He hates Obama and is in total favor of all of the cuts that are being proposed by the anti-Obamaists. He sees no need for adequate medical care for everyone regardless of whether they have money or not, even though without that aid he'd be desperately ill. The jobs that the illegal aliens take he would never even consider consider doing. Yet, he is totally against them because they take jobs away from Americans, cost the government money for services that they have no right to, just as he does. He disregards that for years the Social Security that they paid and never collected back helped support Social Security so that the government could unwarrantedly borrow from it for programs it was never designed to support.

This person is gay, and he still is against Obama and for the Religious Right. He never even thought of serving in the military, and he is in favor of Iraq and a hard line in Libya, and supporting the Egyptians and all of the others fighting for their freedom with guns and ammunition and help of all kinds that our taxes would pay for. He sounds like that Fascist Pig who stole the White House, Bush. At the same time he talks about the need to cut spending and cries that he needs more of what the government gives him - free aid.

Another example is... NO!

I can give you more and more examples, but why bother. They would all go toward my same point. Those who are talking about making Obama a "one term President" have no real intellectually, morally or ethically sound interest in this country. They want the N%*_$+ OUT. I've heard the word used that way.

Oh, they say they don't care about the color of his skin. If that were true, they would be supporting him on issues where he is right and when he tries to ameliorate, not incite, conflict. They would not be spouting, "Make Obama A One Term President." They would be cheering on the person they thought was better than he. They have no one; therefore, they just sloganize, vilify and denounce.

So, it is time to take the knife to self and cut out the way we behave in reference to our internalized bigotry. Accept that we have our prejudices. Recognize what they are. Decide to look at our reactions in the cold light of honesty. Resolve to change and then stop ourselves from behaving in the demeaning, illogical, irrational manner on which unexamined bias flourishes and grows like a cancer.

Those of us who feel differently than these bigots need to stand up and speak out. Call a bigot a bigot. Ask the difficult questions, "Where are we going to get the money to pay for YOU when the cuts that Obama's opposition propose will amount to a little more than 3% of the deficit and big business and the rich don't want to pay their fair share? Will you go out and mow the lawn for the money that the illegal aliens get for that blistering work? Will you go back to work and help pay into Social Security so that it doesn't go under? Will you go patrol the border to stop illegal aliens as a means of earning your free check each month? On what basis can anyone support tax exemptions for the rich and big business when it is the middle class that has been supporting society for generations.  Why should I support your union when you voted into office the guys who are trying to do away with it? And on...And on...And on..

Change Is The Only Real Atonement.

Atonement, at least the the way I see it from my own personal experience, has a couple of definite, identifiable qualities. First, there is an obviously sincere regret for  actions, thoughts or words. Another is that the atoner has a clear and realistic understanding of the situation from the offended's point of view. In other words, they have an empathetic understanding of the offense. A third and perhaps the most important quality is the actual changing of the offensive/offending behavior, thoughts or words. Change indicates that someone has ingested and digested the essence of their error, and that their remorse has produced quantifiable results. That to my mind is the definition of "Atonement."  

 If a person is truly sorry for the pain or burden that they inflicted upon another or even themselves, they'll not want to do it again. Hence, they will commit to not doing it again. That commitment is an act of will, and that is the most important quality we, as humans, can exercise. We choose, exercise our free will, to change. There is no more important indicator of sincerity and commitment than that.

Yes. There are those who want to change and try to change but can't really do it. That's another issue.  I'm proceeding here from the belief that most of us are capable of exerting that act of will successfully. We are capable of consciously changing our behavior. If we do that, then we and everyone else knows the depth of the sincerity of the remorse. That sincerity expressed in the action of change is atonement to me, and that, to my mind, makes it an idea worth repeating.

Just a thought, an idea, that I wanted to explore. 

"What If....?"

An ex-student of mine, Kurt Montayne, posted the title I'm using here on his Facebook wall. The first to immediately hit me was "What If...'The world lived in peace.'" Naturally, I had to post it as a comment under Kurt's instigation.

Then, I got to thinking about what if we each lived in our own peace. That is where world peace really has to start anyway. It needs to begin with each and everyone of us individually. Then, we'd have something to pass on to others in our little worlds, and it could and would grow from there.

Well, how in the hell do we get ourselves to live in our own peace? What about all that we've done that can't be undone that brought us to where we are today? What about what we are doing now that is going to affect the quality, the peace, of our futures. What about what others have done, are doing and will do to us?

Damn! So may questions! So many variables! So many "What Ifs." Damn!

Well, maybe it is time for us to stop regretting, worrying about and planning for the "What Ifs." Maybe it is time to just accept certain ideas as truths. Perhaps, life is easier than we think and less difficult than we make it.

We are born. We will die. We will go through difficult times. We will make errors. We will do good, and we will do bad. We will experience joys and sorrows, ups and downs, hope and hopelessness, success and failure.

If we ask ourselves how we want to live this very moment, is there anyone of us who would not say, "The best way that I possible can. I want to be happy." If there is, and you're reading this, maybe you should force yourself to read on.

For those of us who would agree that the best, happiness, is our desire, then we can't rationally doubt that the decisions that we make at any given point in time are the best that we can muster up. What we are doing now and what we think are both products of that same desire, to live the best life that we can, given the circumstances of the moment.

We'll see these decisions differently when we look back on them from some point in the future. That's because we will be different people. Hopefully, we will have grown from who and what we are now. We will, therefore, choose to do things differently given a similar set of circumstances, given similar options.

Actually, doing things differently in the future, in similar situations, is the only real way to expiate guilt or regret, if they are, in truth, different.  You see, in order for real change to take place, a person, we, need to go through some catharsis, a modification of self on a deep level of being. That is usually a painful process. That pain is a cleansing. Regardless of what society and the law want to add to it, it is a purification that no jail or cell or prison fine can come close to duplicating.

(Ironically, that is, to my mind, the reason to explore literature in our classrooms. Structure, devices, language all pale in reason when compared to catharsis. If I remember correctly, that's how I approached literature in my classrooms. At least that's what I hope I did. That's another blog subject, however. )

It is when we don't change our behavior that we really deserve punishment from a source outside of ourselves.  Was it Plato who said that "the unexamined life was not worth living"? Maybe it was Proverbs. Regardless, it is that examination that provokes change. It is that change that promotes healing. It is healing that begats peace. For Peace is the product of Healing.

I wish us all Healing that we may live in our own Peace.

Thank you Kurt for your posting. It was "pregnant with meaning."

"Intimations On Mortality"

I went to visit a friend who has been around this life quite a bit long than I. She recently underwent a serious surgery. She has lost quite a bit of vitality, still listens hard and has as strong will. My evening with her and with her being nearer to her transition than I'd ever seen her ended on a prayer of sorts. The drive home gave my thoughts time to clarify around the idea of our endings, not just hers.

As I left, I said, "What I hope for you is that you have a long, long, long, healthy life, and, when your time comes that you just..." I made a sign with my forearm and hand, indicating that I meant just passing. She seemed surprised and said, "That is what we all want."

On the way home I began thinking about that idea in reference to myself. That is, of course, exactly what I want too. The truth, as I have seen it several times now, is  that, no matter what a person has gone through in  final years, months, weeks, days, minutes before "THE MOMENT," for the most part, their moment of passing is usually an uneventful, almost indistinguishable moment from any other mundane one in life. It quickly reveals itself as something other than that because it last much longer than any other moment. Their peace is the graphic, indisputable evidence that the time has arrived for time to end.

No matter what happens to the spirit of the departed one, they have left this life and will never know it again. Even if there is such a thing a reincarnation, they will not come back to then. Then is gone.

This, the second most important moment in our life, is nothing more than a gentle letting go and moving on. It is a leaving of the form our spirit knew for as long as they were joined. The manner of that relationship dictates the emotion that we ultimately attach to that separation. Love Begats Love. Enmity Begats Enmity. So it goes for everything forever.

What is so hopeful to me is that we become so much closer to someone as the possibility of our or their leaving becomes more real. It is often referred to as "a shame" because we didn't achieve that degree of caring and intimacy for all of those years that we shared prior to that possibility. I always thought so, too.

I don't think that way anymore. Now, I see all of life as building to that moment. That moment and the build-up to it are such important periods of our lives. They deserve to be experienced on a different, deeper level than what we experience in day to day association, even with loved ones. The final stage of being here is the culmination of all those other days and moments.

Rejoice in them. We have earned every atom of intimate energy that passes between us. We deserve every nano second of the experience. Relish it. It is life-shared's final statement to us and about us.

NJEA/Teachers/The State of New Jersey

Why is NJEA so silent on all of this. Why aren't they broadcasting, advertising and announcing such information to the general public? Something is going on behind the scenes that is preventing that, or the NJEA leadership has become completely effete and useless.

Also, what are some teachers doing that has caused such alienation from enough of their ex-students, now-voters that has allowed the opposition to gather such a following?  Not only is it time to broadcast but also look inward. Our greatest PR weapon is ourselves and how we deal with each and every student individually and collectively in our classrooms.

Also, administrators need to stop being politicians. However, that is for another tirade.